You may be familiar with this little quirk of the human mind: Along with the encouraging thoughts that keep you going, there’s another, often louder voice. It sounds just the same, except it’s awfully rude. “I can’t do this. I didn’t do that right. I’ll never get a promotion. Does she like me? She doesn’t like me. Everyone’s sick of me. I suck.” Any of that hit home?
In psychology, this is known as negative self-talk. It’s rarely a constant commentary, but usually pops up right when you need it least. If you’re looking at someone who loves you, and you perceive boredom in their eyes, the voice says “it’s because I’m boring.” Uh oh, better turn on the damage control and try to be more exciting, or ask how they’re feeling, or get mad at them for being so rude.
If you’re struggling with money, the voice chimes in, “I’m never going to get this debt paid off.” There’s a cheerful thought. Better redouble your worrying, or set some unattainable goals, or just give up! Hell, while you’re worrying about money, this should be a good time to consider everything else that could be better in your life.
These thoughts are weird, because they’re satisfying. They satisfy a part of us that wants punishment, that considers emotional pain a form of “doing something.” Can’t control your circumstances? At least you’re making yourself feel like crap, so that’s something. The true paradox of this system is that, not only are you not actually accomplishing anything, you’re often stymieing your own progress.
Consider the “bored friend” scenario. You perceive listlessness, so you fill in the blanks and assume the worst. You react by trying to change your personality (must… be… perfect!), or becoming needy, or preemptively brushing them off. How useless are these behaviors? How backwards? Consider if, instead, you acted from a place of faith: “I’m worth being around. This person loves me.” Think of the behaviors that follow: Allowing silence to take its natural place in your interaction; unselfconsciously making physical contact; or suggesting an activity that appeals to you. Less grasping, more acting from the heart.
How can you fight back against negative self-talk? You don’t. It doesn’t work. The more you rebuke yourself for thinking negatively, the more you try to aggressively shut out unpleasant notions of gloom and doom, the more strength they seem to gather, and the more often they intrude.
Distraction works. If you find yourself getting mired in a self-abuse session, do something else, something that engages your brain. Do this often enough, and your brain will dwell less.
My favorite strategy, however, is to recognize the thoughts for what they are (just thoughts, not intrinsically valid just because they carry so much emotional weight), and to view them without judgment. Observe them with interest, but without steeping yourself in their negative payload. “Huh, that’s gloomy.”
This may sound bizarre, but it’s a very effective strategy (as shown in a multitude of studies, and in my own experience). It requires a measure of awareness, because you need to be able to identify the thoughts when they crop up: “Oh, that’s my negative self-talk.” The next step is to nod at it, and watch as it passes by. Sound familiar? It’s similar to the embracing strategy for dealing with negative impulses. Once you experience enough of these thoughts with mindfulness, observing them impassively, their impact will decrease.
Let me know if you have any luck with this, I’d like to hear your stories!
Moonglade Poetess 