starfruitwineandcathair:

SDV as John Mulaney quotes

Vincent: I have had a very long day. I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

Elliot: One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet, and when one feels like a duck, one is happy.

Pam: This is an on-fire garbage can. …Could be a nursery.

Farmer: Excuse me, I’m new in town and it gets worse.

Sebastian: You know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet for it.

Sam: My Dad loved us. He just didn’t care about our general happiness or self esteem.

Harvey: I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here.

Haley: When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much.

Emily: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.

Alex: Ah…numbers. The letters of math.

Shane: I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.

Bonus:

Farmer, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?

Shane: *grabs the bottle and drinks the whole thing*

Shane: It’s perfume.